Want to Know More about Guys who Like Trans Women?

Nov 6th, 2010 | By | Category: Articles about TO Men, Relationship Advice to TO Men

Want to Know More about Guys who Like Trans Women?

From a Facebook note by Colin Pi on Wednesday, November 3, 2010 at 8:32pm

Occasionally I see comments from transpinays who are quite frustrated at the shallowness, promiscuous or otherwise general bad behavior of guys who pursue them. This has prompted me to write this note.

The first point I want to make is that women have pretty much been disappointed in men since the beginning of time.

Some quotes by H.L.Mencken on Men

Men, too, sometimes have brains. But that is a rare, rare man, I venture, who is as steadily intelligent, as constantly sound in judgment, as little put off by appearances, as the average women of forty-eight.

The average stupid and sentimental man, if he has a noticeably sensible wife, is almost apologetic about it. The ideal of his sex is always a pretty wife, and the vanity and coquetry that so often go with prettiness are erected into charms. In other words, men play the love game so unintelligently that they often esteem a woman in proportion as she seems to disdain and make a mock of her intelligence. Women seldom, if ever, make that blunder. What they commonly value in a man is not mere showiness, whether physical or spiritual, but that compound of small capacities which makes up masculine efficiency and passes for masculine intelligence. This intelligence, at its highest, has a human value substantially equal to that of their own.

If you want to know more about the capacities of men, read Mencken’s book, “In Defense of Women” here: http://www.io.com/gibbonsb/mencken/defense/Introduction.html

Unfortunately the situation for trans women is more difficult by magnitudes when it comes to finding and hooking their dream partner. A large part of this is that men’s vanity and need for social acceptance means that even the minority who find themselves preferring trans women usually lack the courage to admit it openly.

Another consideration, and one which shows considerable hope of improvement, is that most of these men, who prefer trans women, have encountered them through the lenses of pornography and freak factor type documentaries. This partly explains the objectification and inability to connect as two human souls should.

I’m afraid this isn’t a very optimistic appraisal of the current dilemma facing trans women in their pursuit of a loving and satisfying partner. To say that a few gems exist amongst the rubble isn’t much solace either and may suggest to the insightful reader that I myself suffer from the vanity that afflicts all men.

I think we can be optimistic that portrayals of trans women continue to improve and spread, humanizing them in the eyes more people. Also, the rate of communications between the guys who like trans woman and trans women has exploded in recent years due to the internet and this will surely lead to growing understanding between these two complimentary groups.

As a final statement, may I say to trans women reading this, be patient with these guys, we’re not too clever at this relationship stuff and take a while to catch on. You’ll likely come across a lot of guys who just aren’t ready, but some of them just may graduate one day, or decade. I know it’s been a slow process for me and probably a work in progress for life.

Be glad that there are guys out there that adore you, and hope that life teaches them how to fully appreciate you and to do it respectfully and romantically.

Criticisms and comments welcome! Please don’t be too harsh, just trying to stimulate a better understanding 🙂

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15 Comments to “Want to Know More about Guys who Like Trans Women?”

  1. jackiecrawford says:

    Yes they are out there i see them every day.Looking at me in that way that tell me that they want me or want to get to know me but shy because they don,t want others to no that they feel some thing for me. Yes they are out their.

    • Admin says:

      I’ve no doubt about that Jackie, and probably in numbers greater than most imagine, but as it has been a social taboo, few relationships have prospered. Hopefully the future will be brighter 🙂

    • beatlephil says:

      Upfront I want say that I’m a heterosexual guy attracted only to females, but whose definition of a woman doesn’t exclude “fully transitioned women”, i.e. post-op transsexuals. Why? Why not! Over the past sixty years some of the most beautiful women in the the world have revealed that they were born male and have underwent sex change operations including Caroline “Tula” Cossey (U.K.), Jahna Steele (R.I.P.) (USA), Roberta Close (Brazil), April Ashley (U.K.), Coccinelle Dufusenay (France), Sulka (USA), Candis Cayne (USA), and more recently Danielle Foxxx (USA). I am not gay, Bi, or curious, nor am i looking to experiment. Nor am i into the Bar scene. Naturally this creates a dilemma when i comes to pre-op transsexuals. Actually I don’t see a reason not to be friends with or even have a long term relationship with a pre-op. My only real concern is that she truly be what she claims to be, and not be a confused, uncertain, misguided and self-diagnosed drag queen or transvestite in need of serious professional help to determine her true gender identity. To that end she would have may unconditional support. And how would I react if people learned that a lady I was dating was a transsexual? My only response is that I live in the here and now, and that I don’t dwell in the past. Bottom line: if my lady friend wasn’t truly ladylike to me I wouldn’t be with her to begin with. And that’s all that matters to me.

      • jomadagr says:

        It makes me kind of sad to read your comment, beatlephil. So gender normative. As if you know who needs what kind of help for what kind of purpose. I do hope you will be more openminded in the future. I*m sure it would be of help to your self and not only to those you meet.

        • male_europe says:

          well, we are out there. i try to develop a relationship with a transwoman, because it is the only way that fits with me. however, prejudices and false assumptions do not only exist on the male guy’s side, but also on the side of transwomen. transwomen often rely on their past experiences, but are not waiting, if this time is the same than her previous experiences. They just think that ALL men are the same and that males are not able to value a TW properly. I know it is hard and i understand that all the previous experiences were harsh and bad, but still try to be open for any new chance you get. One day you will find a man who is really into transwomen and sex plays a minor role then.

      • Nisah says:

        Well said!

    • 8 is the number says:

      Hello, maybe I’m a bit late to the party. But I am, definitely “trans-attacted” or whatever, I love trans women, I think they are beautiful and deserve a whole more respect and support. Unlike most guys (I’m guessing) I don’t give a **** what anyone else thinks about this. I’m a take it or leave it kind of person, too. After many years, I got tired of the bullshit. If you don’t like me, don’t look at me; as Morrissey sings. **** hose idiots. (The transphobes and homophobes as well)

      I’m a direct guy and yes, my manly side is still dominant, because I don’t feel like I’m a woman. But I hope there is at least one trans woman that would appreciate that, or am I wrong? In this country there is a lot of transphobic violence and I hate that. But I’m confused.

      How do I meet a trans woman? I’m not talking about sex here. I’m talking about dating, as people do in dating sites and real life, an want a serious relaitonship. I’m not a rich guy, I could have been but I chose to do what I love for less money. You get the picture. I don’t really know ifthere is even a way to do this, and I am not interested in just sex, that’s not what I’m looking for. Is this even possible?


  2. Bob says:

    I’ve had relationships with cis women, sex with cis men and frankly I have little doubt the ideal match for me emotionally and physically is a mtfwoman. there is the potential for not only a physical connection but an emotional one as well which is not present to nearly the same degree in cis men or women from my own personal sexuality. Sexuality in general is used like square pegs in round holes. it isn’t black or white it isn’t narrowly defined and imo has a great deal of individuality even in those who fall into the “norms”

  3. Elizabeth says:

    I am still looking for a real man, one who isn’t afraid to be with me openly and who will love me truly. I have no problem finding one who wants to have sex with me. I get propositioned most every day and I’ve accepted the offers of more than I care to mention, but that is because I had at one time foolishly believed that they wanted what I wanted. Now I am more honest with myself and more objective when I evaluate them. I now have no expectations of them, but standards for myself. In spite of the heartache I still have an open-mind and an open-heart. To date the only loving relationship I’ve had has been with a woman and regrettably she died, but that allowed me to pursue my “transition”, or as I prefer to say pursue being my real self. My life is much better now than it has ever been and I am optimistic that love will grace me again and stay with me for as long as fate will allow.

    • 8 is the number says:

      Elizabeth please on’t ose hope. I am one of the guys you’re talking about, the ones that you think don’t exist. I’m so happy I found this site because for once I belong. Women have never truly satisfied me and I’m just not really into men. The problem is that they are rare, they’re too hypnotized by what society tells them to ever let go of being cowards andn admit what they want, love or sex instead of bullshitting people.


  4. Lee FleMing says:

    I like this article and site, and here I am inserting shoe in mouth, commenting before I have even educated myself by reading many articles.

    “I think we can be optimistic that portrayals of trans women continue to improve and spread, ”

    I agree, and hope that the improvement is not only more positive portrayals, but understanding of the big variety of types of t-women MINDS in the world. So many articles are only positive about “women born in men’s bodies” and not about any other type. One commenter above is happiest with a “Harry Benjamin Standards” trans woman, but others might find happiness with a pre-or-post op lady who would fail the HBS psychological test. If I am attracted to transwomen and looking for someone who thinks differently than a cis-female, then maybe someone who is gay and wants to look fem and take that role sexually will be a better fit than a HBS woman, be she trans or cis. For me, I think an HBS woman would drive me just as crazy as my failures with bio-women have.
    Dang, I am using all this jargon I don’t even like, to save typing.
    Others would want a different combination of brain types, sex roles, and appearance than I.
    So, not only lifestyle or physically different groups like drag queens, transvestites, HBS, non-ops, but more importantly the different types of trans woman MINDS need to be understood, so that the different types of TO men can have a better appreciation of, understanding, and choice of the best transwoman for them. Has anyone even STARTED such a list?
    Of course, H.L.Mencken is probably right, and the transwomen will probably figure out us TO men first, which is an equally desirable improvement!
    Something tells me that the future transwoman-TO man dating site partner matching database is going to be WAY more complicated than the ciswoman-cis man database, – but fun!

    • John says:

      I really hope such a “list” is NEVER attempted. I’m not really convinced that you really want such a list. I understand wanting to make some sense of why you feel the way you do, and I mean from every conceivable angle, but for the purposes of this site, meaning trans-women and trans oriented guys.

      What I think you really highlight here is that people are different in so many different ways, physically and mentally. I am sure that from both perspectives, and every conceivable dimension, the human race probably conforms to a “normal distribution bell curve” of sorts. This means that the way people think on average, and appear physically is heterosexual and cis-gendered, but there is a great deal of grey area that is not “average”! The massive range of possibilities of how the human brain works with the extremely wide range of variable ways that the human form presents itself means that you have infinite combinations, including psychologically female minds with anatomically male bodies, essentially the “wrong body” for the soul within, and vice versa. But that is just one dimension, there is also a wide range of sexual preferences, and in fact a wide range of preference variables, of which sexual preference is just one (albeit a widely discussed one!!)

      Of course the environment in which we grow up certainly massively influences our mentality (or tries to!), so this is also a significant factor!!

      For me, I was never even AWARE of transgender women until my 30’s! I had certainly never met one (that I was aware of), and the only aspect of the male/female grey area that I had any exposure to in my young life was from movies like “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”!! Which shows transsexuals/drag queens, not transgender women! Today’s age is certainly more enlightened with how advanced the internet and the interconnected world has become!

      TLDR: People in this world are physically and mentally incredibly varied and we all struggle to find someone who likes us for who we are and that we like for who they are!!

  5. TJ says:

    So, I am a masculine “straight” guy who has a real affection for transwomen. I’ve been with a few , but it’s interesting when I look on sites and see how people want to lose the prejudices and labels and stigma transwomen and their potential mates are saddled with, then go on to lay out their own in excruciating detail.

    I tend to be most happy in a submissive role. This does not mean I am girlish, a crossdresser or have any desire to feminine. I am also not attracted to men, though do have some attraction to very feminine gay guys. I have been with a variety of dominant cis women in the past, and I love it. The reaction transwomen have to that is generally pretty negative, but when I’ve been paired with the right transwoman, it’s been better than anything. I’m currently casually seeing one now, and the sex is phenomenal – this is not to overly sexualize her or demean her in any way – but that intense physical connection has led me to reconsider who I think of as a viable life partner in the future.

    I like looking at transgender porn, though I do get irritated when they are labelled as “sluts” or “whores” – I don’t really like when they do that to women either. I don’t think it’s wrong for people to want sexual satisfaction, though it seems to be looked down on if you are a woman, or if you’re a guy who doesn’t want to constantly dominate his partner in bed. I think transgendered women are BEAUTIFUL (to the point of preference), and I mean that in the sincerest way, but I kind of like a slightly androgynous look in women I’ve dated as well. I don’t think their is anything wrong with a transwoman wanting to be a woman just like mom, but there is also an opportunity for people like us to create new combinations of traditionally binary gender roles in relationships and in bed, ones that work for us, and aren’t subtle reinterpretations of societies already messed up rules. I’d also tell you, you don’t need to look 100% like cis women to be beautiful.

  6. RecentlyAmazed says:

    One of the reasons I like this site is that there is a good community of TO men here that are willing to share their experiences. I’ve had a tough time finding fellow guys like myself that I can connect with and share thoughts, ask advice, and learn new things. While it’s been so incredibly helpful and positive to have so many transwomen share experiences and opinions and correcting misunderstanding on who they are, I had been getting down because sometimes I feel if I ask a question or have an opinion and I cannot speak openly about it for fear of offending or being labeled as a stereotyper.

    The only analogy I can think of is that when I had my experiences with cis women in the past, I could always go to my buddies for help or support in what was going on. I’m not saying I need some ‘bros to bitch to’, I’m saying if I had a problem with my girlfriend and I was frustrated, it wasn’t always I didn’t know ‘why’ she was mad. Another girl could definitely have explained why she was acting out or us having an issue. But sometimes TO guys need input from their ‘peers’, without being afraid of accidentally coming off differently than intended. One example (that I understand may not be a norm) is I was reading on another forum how I could let my currently awesome girl I’m dating know that although I don’t have a fetish for penises on women, I wanted to let her know I’m not afraid of it either. I can understand she is likely nervous maybe even definitely a hard ‘no’, but I wanted to know how others have handled the situation and ended up with a resolution this guy posted on there with obvious careful wording, and almost immediately a flurry of comments insinuating he wasn’t taking her feelings into account, being selfish, trying to ‘change’ her from what she is. When that is not what he was doing at all. Communication between cis couples is hard enough accounting for gender differences; I’ve found it tenfold more difficult in the TS/TG community. Understandably.

    So the point here is that I am so glad to have found a site that had an aim to help TO guys understand their partners AS well as themselves, from an… Maybe more ‘objective’ standpoint. With this post, I’m going to restrain from the hundreds of disclaimers I and other TO guys have been used to having to give, for fear of being offensive.

    That is the only end point of this comment; I have such a sense of relief seeing this kind of support I’ve been searching for. Thank you to all the people on here, regardless of identity/orientation. Y’all are awesome

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