Should I Come Out?

Nov 13th, 2010 | By | Category: Relationship Advice to TO Men

Relationship Advice to TO Men

Should I Come Out?

by Admin

Perhaps the greatest obstacle to most transoriented men pursuing relationships with transgendered women is their fear about what others will think, say and do. If there was no fear of ridicule, condemnation or simply confusing their friends, family and associates, I’ve little doubt, transwomen would be knocking back dates with a stick.

Though I don’t believe the ridicule and condemnation is as bad as many men fear, it certainly does exist to a degree and won’t be going away quickly. Certainly, we have a long way to go also, before confusion about such relationships abates to a level that allows transoriented men to feel no different to heterosexual men when it comes to discussing their relationship or introducing their transgendered partner.

Sometimes when we enter into our first trans relationship, their is a kind of excitement about our own self-discovery and romantic feelings that make us want to shout it from the roof-tops. My suggestion is to control that urge. Whilst you may feel proud and fearless, the fact is, most people do not want to know, aside from the fact that it generates some gossip material. They care as little as we usually do when we observe an acquaintance going through the gaga stage of a romance.

That said, it’s nice to be able to share self-discovery, excitement, anticipation and concerns with our close friends, so if you’re lucky enough to have some, I’ve found they almost universally accept the news warmly and encouragingly, albeit, often with a lot of potentially embarrassing questions and quite likely a lot of jokes, that may at times, be a bit inappropriate. Their first instinct tends to be to focus on the aspects of genitalia, sex and the apparent gayness of the relationship, something that is often found to be discordant to our feelings about the relationship.

Another thing to consider is that your transwoman partner, should she ever meet your family or associates, may not want them to perceive her through a distorted or prejudiced lens, especially if she’s quite passable and hence those people would tend to treat her more normally, without being distracted by their thoughts on recognizing differences from what they might consider a normal girl, if they aren’t at that stage aware of her transgenderism.

For those you do decide to come out to, this website was in part created for such a situation. We hope to provide more and increasingly pertinent information so that friends and family members may gain a knowledge, appreciation and more comfortable acceptance of your orientation, your partner and your relationship, without the awkwardness and difficulty of answering many questions.

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9 Comments to “Should I Come Out?”

  1. GR8LegsNJ says:

    I loved this article. I was advised of this site by my therapist. I for one am very attracted to men, very macho straight men. I consider myself to be a heterosexual woman who enjoys the company of man. I think more men should reading this article and visiting this site.

    • Admin says:

      Thanks GR8Legs,
      I take it you’re a transgendered woman?
      It’s nice to hear that a therapist has found our site and thinks it is worth recommending πŸ™‚

    • roger curtis says:

      Two (2) snaps up for all the informative articles and pics. I myself came out many years ago. I went to Thailand and had a long-awaited sex change and soon after that met many macho and generous men from all over the world, especially Europe. Roger

    • Joe C says:

      Thanks GR8Legs, I have just become friend with a transgender woman in NJ with great legs…mmm. She makes me want to come out as she makes me appreciate the courage it takes to be transgendered.

  2. Mike says:

    This is a useful site. I fretted for years about comming out, it is deffinitly easier to just introduce a TS to friends and family instead of trying to explain. It is so rare in the west that explaining just confuses most people, especially family who you cannot be explicit with. My family were very confused when I told them I like TS, but as soon as they met my GF everything was cool. There will always be some comments heard from strangers, but I find it very easy to ignore them.

    • Admin says:

      Thanks Mike,
      Very much appreciate your view on this based on real life experience. Hope you’ll share more insights with us here πŸ™‚
      Colin

  3. Elizabeth says:

    I appreciated and enjoyed this article, however I am losing patience with our trans attracted men, because I long for a genuine relationship. A relationship that is completely out in the open. I am done with the superficial dating that leads no where. I don’t hide who I am and any man who wants to be with me must be the same. My family knows that I’m transsexual, as do my friends and acquaintences. I don’t have coworkers because I am retired. Most everyone in my building is aware of this fact also. I am happy to talk to anyone who wants to discuss the issues facing transgenders and what trans means, if he or she is intelligent and has an open-mind and I have done so. I am aware that some may have fear of coming out, because it might hurt their personal and professional relationships. I get that, but we are never going to make substantial progress if we are afraid to take a stand and face the whole world.

    • Troy K. says:

      I’m a trans-attracted/trans-oriented man. The issue most men have is fear. Most of that fear is imagined. It’s a bunch of what ifs and maybes. What if they think I’m gay? Will they think I’m less of a man? Will they ostracize and cast me out?
      I was extremely lucky, my friends,children, parents and co-workers never had an issue. All of my fears were unfounded. I spent well over 10 years worrying and destroying the self-esteem of both cis-women and trans-women I was dating at the time. Being out and outspoken has made my reality better. I don’t have to look over my shoulder, worrying about what people think. I’m just me.

  4. Nerfetiti says:

    I am training as a lawyer and hoping for a good job to help raise funds for my complete transition, I am on small amounts of estrogen and spiro, and I look more like a girl in boys clothes these days…which makes my heart tickle and smile πŸ™‚ I may be called naΓ―ve for being so happy about my body since I live in a country (Lagos-Nigeria) where being LGBTI is a criminal offence, but I don’t believe I am less of a person, I am a beautiful, intelligent young woman, and the stubborn streak in me keeps me going, I plan to leave this place for good and transitioning is a choice I am making for myself alone, not for some man, don’t get me wrong I LOVE men, i consider dating a macho and intelligent man a dream come true, I have met a few men online, who only wanted me to pose naked for them, which was absurd because perverts only want to objectify us transwomen and too many men who hate us, are scared that they are attracted to us. I hope to meet new friends here and fill this void with honest human interaction, just because of the closed minded society I live in, I am not a victim, I found myself, I am the woman in me now. Peace and Love!

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