It Just Fits Me! – by ChrisNov 11th, 2010 | By Admin | Category: Why I Love Transwomen
Why I Love Transwomen
It Just Fits Me!
For almost as long as I can remember, since the age of about 15 when I happened across a magazine with photos of women with penises, I found myself drawn, more strongly than to other sexual attractions, to the physicality that I’d seen in that magazine. Of course I knew little of what I saw back then, it was later that I learned what a transsexual or transgendered person was.
Never-the-less, for whatever reason, I had some proclivity sexually to be attracted to transwomen from quite early in my sexual development.
In my years through adolescence, from the age of about 11 on, I was strongly attracted to girls, their beauty, but I also found myself attracted to boys on occasion, an attraction that was more sexual than aesthetic. In other words, I didn’t find boys attractive to look at, but on the occasion when a boy had some aspect of what I perceived as feminine attractiveness, I found myself sexually attracted and even experimented at times. No emotional attraction or relationship ever came from these experiences. It was the girls that broke my heart always.
As I matured, I had several relationships with women, though I never felt completely satisfied with them sexually or emotionally. Once things got beyond the excitement of falling in love, I soon began to wane in my attraction and sense of satisfaction. For 20 years or so my life was often single with a few relationships with women from time to time, relationships that tended to turn more into friendships than passionate affairs. Though it’s a bit embarrassing to admit it, and I admit this only in the interest of helping us to understand the mind of a transoriented man better, I sometimes had dreams that my girlfriends had a penis and remember feeling somewhat disappointed upon waking and realizing it was just a dream. This happened with most of my girlfriends.
I’d experimented by visiting some clubs over the years and had encounters with a few feminine boys and drag-queen types, usually under the influence of alcohol when my fears were abated. Such encounters were considerably more satisfying than my sexual encounters with women. However, fears about being judged by others prevented me from exploring this attraction or pursuing any relationships. There were times when gay men pursued me, but I found gay men did not suit my attraction. Most outward appearances of masculinity were and are a turn off. Being gay, was something I had ruled out. I wasn’t sure what I was or how I fitted into the world of sexual orientation. I think it would have been easier if I were gay, I would have had like minded friends, role models, support groups to direct and advise me. But not feeling like a gay man, I think I was particularly paranoid about possibly being outed as one. The label is not one that sits comfortably with me, nor most the men, that I’ve since got to know, who are attracted to transwomen. That’s not because they are in a closet, it’s that they don’t identify with the portrayals of gay men that are part of our cultural experience.
A tragic incident a few years ago gave me a new perspective on life. Some good must come of bad things thank god. It made me realize that a loving relationship is the center of a happy man’s life, that life is too short to try to live it as you think others want you to or to be scared of what others may think. Not long after that, I decided to see if my attraction to transwomen might lead to a satisfying relationship. I was traveling to the Philippines, and decided I would find a transwoman to meet and spend some time with.
I met a girl online and straight away liked her. A bright and funny girl, after just a couple of weeks of chatting, I found myself, to some surprise, quite transfixed with wonder, to pardon the pun. I still struggle to find the words to describe how it felt those first few days as we became closer. It wasn’t like anything I’d felt before, it’s a little like my heart had been turned on, like it had been lost. I described it to a friend soon after, that I felt like I’ve been a dog trying to date cats and had finally met another dog. Not the most appropriate metaphor, but I think you’ll get the meaning. It felt like she just fit with me, and what surprised me, was that the compatibility was not based on the sexual aspect, though that aspect is considerably more satisfying than my experiences with non-transwomen, the satisfaction and attraction came more from an emotional satisfaction, a compassion and empathy that had alluded me in previous relationships.
One may wonder if it was just the person, and certainly, to a degree it was, because I was lucky to meet such a charming, intelligent and lovely person, who treated me kindly and warmly. But, it also was clear to me, that she represented a different type of person, that her transhumanity was something concordant with my desires and emotions. Certainly I do not fall in love with every transwoman I meet, just as a straight man doesn’t fall for every woman he meets. But what was clear to me, was that I knew I was meant to be with a transwoman, and since that meeting, I’ve never doubted it.
I don’t know the reason I am drawn to transwomen, I just know that I am. I don’t think it is some Freudian sexual hangover from youthful impressions, I believe it’s in my very nature, that I was born to be oriented emotionally, spiritually and sexually to that type of person. A person with some combination of female and male aspect, and somewhere within that realm, my heart and senses connect most strongly. I think we are all multi-sexual to a degree, that there are a wide array of aspects crossing genders that satisfy our various desires to different degrees. For me, the weight of those coalesce and find their greatest mental and emotional satisfaction with some transwomen.
And part of those array of desires, and the concomitant satisfaction they bring, include the satisfaction we get from building a relationship. So having found where my compatibility lies, the next step is to build a relationship. Accepting that I am transoriented in my 40s is a bit like returning to early adulthood. For the first time in life I see the point to pursuing a relationship, to wanting to live and work not just for my own satisfaction, but with the goal of having a partner for life.
I wish that this resource had been around 20+ years ago so I might have recognized and been encouraged to be myself and let my heart go where it yearns. Hopefully, a new generation will emerge, confident of who they are and fearless of prejudice and misunderstanding. Men who have the confidence to accept themselves and give transwomen the respect and love they deserve.
Just for your interest, I am presently in a relationship with a wonderful transpinay and working towards living together permanently.